i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
