you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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