Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So apparently I’m into choking now
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
