fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
you never un-have a 4some
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
