I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
