Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
