the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
