just tell him i said nine months
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
