you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
