She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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