I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.