someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
