I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
