Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
