Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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