Slut skills are useful in every country.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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