I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
