is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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