You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
