Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
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I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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