my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
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Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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