I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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