Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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