why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
