The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
