i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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