i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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