If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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