I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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