My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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