I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
