Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
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Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
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The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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