Well apparently he's into motor boating.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
