She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
