I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
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These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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