i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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