She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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