I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
