Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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