nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you didnt know i had herpes?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
