just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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