Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
