is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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