Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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