Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
