I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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