We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
