Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
high people should be assigned attendants
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize