the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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