Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The uberlube is also flammable
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
