: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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