if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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