I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
