Clothes are such an inconvenience.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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