I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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