well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
