our cab driver is having phone sex.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
