there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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