also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
